What is Narcissistic Abuse? | Hidden Abuse

What is Narcissistic Abuse you may ask? Well, it is a term that I came to know in 2015 and prior to that had no idea of the impact it would have in my life.  It described something I lived in my past relationships and how it has shaped my life.

Narcissistic abuse is what I call “hidden abuse” in the form of psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse.  It doesn’t usually include forms of physical abuse, although it is common in abusive relationships.  Note, there are 7 types of abuse 4. 7 types of abuse physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual, financial and spiritual.  Narcissistic abuse is a form of abuse hard to identify if you don’t know the Red Flags of a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship.  The type of abuse received is more ambiguous and difficult to prove, especially in court cases or for people to believe victims, survivors, and thrivers, but it is no less damaging than physical abuse.  It strips you away from your life, yourself, your identity, self-esteem, self-love, your essence, your joy, your happiness, your confidence, your soul, and who you are.

Narcissistic Abuse is commonly done by individuals who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).   It is a personality disorder classified within cluster B by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.  Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by trouble controlling emotions, irrational behaviors, dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behaviors.  I will only touch on what Narcissistic Abuse is and they are often referred to sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissistic sociopath or narcopath, narcs, emotional manipulators and/or abusers.  I will be using narcissist or abuser to refer to Narcissistic Abusers.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Abusers

1. Extremely Charming, aka ‘Prince Charming.’
2. Often they are public figures, well known in society, leaders in the community, cult/spiritual leaders, well liked by others etc.  Pretty much someone with power or influence, although is not always the case.
3. Lack empathy for other people.
4. They are usually very intelligent.
5. They are often attractive and fixated on their looks.
6. Have a sense of grandiosity.
7. They need continual and excessive admiration from others.
8. They have big egos.
9. They have a sense of entitlement to special treatment from others.
10. Act as victims of circumstances and people from their past.  No accountability for their behavior and it was always everyone else’s fault.

Read more of their traits and red flags here.

Narcissistic Abuse Phases

Love Bombing Phase

The Love Bombing stage of narcissistic abuse is the stage where women are completely charmed away by the narcissist. It’s excessive amounts of ‘love,’ attention, compliments, gifts, and romance.  Also, at this stage, they will sweep you off your feet with everything they can to impress you and make you believe they love you.  They say I love you super fast within days or weeks of meeting you.  Love bombing can last from days to a few months.  They use just the right words you want to hear that no other man has told you before.  They mirror everything you want and give you all you have been longing for.  This is why women that are vulnerable fall super easy on their tactics.  They are extremely charming and you feel you have never met someone like them before and you often have thoughts of ‘it’s too good to be true,” “fairytale romance,” and feel “he is the one.”  They want to rush love and romance, not to mention intimacy.  They tell you words like, “I’ve never met someone like you,” “you are everything I’ve been looking for,” “you are nothing like my ex,” or “I’m falling in love with you,” within days of meeting you.  They also paint a victim story of how much they have suffered in relationships, how they have never met a woman that understands them, how the ex-was crazy, psycho, and just horrible things about her, that makes you feel “I will be the woman that will change him.”  He makes you believe your love is a fairytale and you see everything through pink-colored glasses.  This stage is not the same as a normal and healthy relationship as the man will take the time to get to know you.  He will display healthy amounts of attention, romance, gifts, but not as excessive and rushed as a narcissist.  You will know the difference when you attract a normal individual vs a narcissist.  After the fairy tale months are over, they transition to devaluing you. This is where the ‘hidden abuse’ starts.

Devaluing Phase

The devaluing state of narcissistic abuse is when the ‘love bombing’ is over and transitions to devaluing you as a woman, person, and human.  This is the stage where your soul gets destroyed, your identity, who you are and your entire life.  They degrade you to the point that you lose yourself and feel worthless, not good enough, insignificant, unloved and your sense of self is lost.  Your self-esteem, self-love, confidence, charm, joy, spirit, happiness, energy and motivation are severely damaged and destroyed.  Their common tactics include emotional abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, name calling, putting you down, gaslighting, triangulation, toxic projections, stonewalling, coercive control, flying monkeys, smear campaigns, blame, shame, among others.  In this stage, they also isolate you from your family, friends, and loved ones.  They control your whereabouts, where you go, what you wear and who you talk to.  They do smear campaigns on people you love to turn you against them and you are left with no one on your side so that you only have them to rely on.  They also use triangulation that is usually associated with them telling you about other women, how other women want them, or to provoke jealousy and make you hate the other women and fight for his love and attention.  Think of this stage as an illness that day after day it gets progressively worst in body, mind, and soul.

In this stage is where Trauma Bonding begins.  It can be hard for others to understand why someone stays with an abusive partner and they often don’t support us emotionally because they don’t understand how complex this is.  Often women don’t know they are in an abusive relationship, because society has conditioned us to think abuse = physical.  But, psychological, emotional and verbal abuse are forms of hidden abuse.  Women stay because of something called “trauma bonding,” where you become addicted to the hormonal rollercoaster an abuser sends you on.  It is the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.  It starts with initial angry outburst when he explodes, insults, cruel/mean comments that you brush-off saying “oh he is just having a bad day,” or “he is not always like this” or ‘this is so out of character from him.”  You make excuses for their behavior, not knowing is abusive and hurts you.  Then they use “blame shifting” to excuse their behavior and tell you “if you hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted like that,” or “you made me so mad,” or “I only reacted this way because you made me.”

You crave how he was at the beginning of the “love bombing” stage and constantly try to do all you can by molding yourself to do anything the narcissist wants, just so you can get that man back, to get those feelings of euphoria and love and to try to win the abuser’s affection again. This cycle is like an addictive drug where you go through a roller coaster of biochemistry changes just as a drug addiction.  During low moments with the abuser, you go through this “punishment” phase where your body goes through high levels of the stress hormone cortisol.  This cycle is paired with high levels of dopamine when he rewards you and shows affection and you get glimpses of the love bombing stage again. You get addicted to this punishment and reward cycle without knowing is an addiction.  This is trauma bonding of narcissistic abuse.  Also, to note this is where your health starts being affected and declining.

Discard Phase

The discard stage of narcissistic abuse is such a painful realization when the abuser simply discards you and throws you out.  It is literally as if you were tossed away as if nothing had ever happened, with no remorse, no empathy and as if you didn’t matter.  It sounds harsh, but this is the reality.  It can happen at any time with no warning after he has sucked the life out of you and you are no longer needed.  You are left wondering a thousand questions, questioning yourself, lost, confused, overwhelmed, with no direction in life and in so much emotional pain.  Also, in this stage, it is very common that the abuser has moved on within hours, days or weeks onto someone else and is probably now engaged or living with the person.  Believe me, I’ve heard cases and in my case, it was within the same day and it happened multiple times.  You are left broken and feeling unworthy and invaluable.  You keep replaying scenarios in your head as to what happened, maybe if you had done/said something differently or maybe if you had worked more on yourself to improve the relationship.  You go on a social media stalking frenzy to compare yourself to the other woman and try to make sense as to why and how he moved on so fast.  You stalk him to find out what he is doing, where he is, etc.  You feel unattractive, jealous, heartbroken and a cluster of the roller coaster of emotions.  Ask any woman that has undergone narcissistic abuse and you will find our stories are so similar.

Another thing that is very common in the discard stage is smear campaigns.  They go around acting as the victim and telling people you are the crazy one, psycho, cheater and even the abuser.  They use other people as ‘flying monkeys‘ to side with him and spread the word against you.  This is where the most damage to your word, story, and reputation is made.   Flying monkeys are the abuser’s enablers and are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to torment the victim.

I want to explain something about narcissistic abuse and how the abusers operate.  They use women, people or anything that feeds their ego, pleases them, elevates them and gives them power as Narcissistic Supply.  Narcissistic Supply is a psychoanalytic theory by Otto Fenichel in 1938.  They only use women as a constant source of energy to support and sustain their self-esteem and ego.  They feed off attention, women praising them, admiration and elevating their egos, also feeling powerful.  But, you have to understand something, the new woman is just an old version of you that probably has no idea what she is getting herself into.  Think of how you were when you first met them, she is probably in the same situation.

No Contact Phase

One of the hardest things is to go NO CONTACT and to block the abuser from all forms of communication.  No contact is to protect yourself from falling back into his tactics and to help you heal.  It is also a long period of healthy silent treatment to allow you to move on and to start your life again.  It is true that having no contact or knowing nothing about the abuser is one of the best ways to start healing.  But, this stage is really hard.  Why is it hard?  Is because your brain chemistry has changed from all the abuse you received.   Your brain structure is changed, your amygdala is enlarged, your hippocampus shrinks and your body biochemistry is also changed.  You crave his love and attention as a drug user craves a drug.  You get addicted to that feeling of finding out what he is doing, who he is with or when he contacts you, it provides instant gratification and instant pleasure, same as a drug (remember Trauma Bonding?).  It provides same pleasure points similar to a drug addiction, therefore you are dealing with an addiction.  I know, it took me a while to swallow this one back in 2014.   There are also those women that have children with the abuser and where contact is inevitable.   Gray rock is the technique that must be taken, it literally means becoming a “rock” with no emotions, no reactions, and acting as if he does not affect you.  They can’t handle this!  They feed off your emotions, rocking your stability and your reaction.

After going No Contact this is what they try… Hoovering!

Hoovering Phase

This is the last stage of narcissistic abuse.  Hoovering comes from the term ‘hoover’ from the vacuum cleaner that sucks dirt, debris and anything you are trying to clean.   It is literally how the abusers try to ‘suck you’ back into the relationship after you have gone no contact or gray rock, or a long period of silent treatment.  They come back with their most amazing, yet cruel tactic “love bombing.”  This is why so many women keep going back to the abuser.  They fall back into the relationship thinking this time will be different, because he is back to his usual loving self, he is charming, loving, promising you the world again, making promises that they have changed, that they realized “you are the one” and they even promise to go to therapy and do anything you ask.  You fall into it because you associate “love bombing” as the most beautiful stage of your relationship and you long for that man you once knew.  You believe that’s who he is, but it is a lie.  Your brain says ‘oh wow he is really changed and he does love me and he realized I am the only woman for him.”  It even elevates your own ego because you really feel you are “the ONE” that will change him and he will change because he realized your worth, value and all your sacrifices.  So, you go back to the relationship to find out this “love bombing” stage is short lived and the toxic cycle starts again.

This is the toxic cycle of narcissist abuse and why so many women keep going back or stay in these type of relationships.  Abusers have an intense fear of abandonment; they work really hard to prevent the person to leave them for good. They will fake anything to lure you back or to keep you in the toxic relationship.

I hope this blog post helped you become familiar with narcissistic abuse, its stages and what happens in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser.  Often victims stay years not knowing they are in an abusive relationship because they are not been physically abused.  But, hidden abuse does exist and it is a real no matter your socio-economic status.

But, there is hope in healing from this.  There is a way to get off the toxic cycle wheel and heal your life.  Understanding how they operate and seeing the relationship for what it is is a huge improvement.  Knowing the stages will empower you to realize you are being controlled and that this is a drug-free addiction.  Yes, narcissistic abuse has become an addiction by how your brain and body chemistry operates now.  You have the power to say ENOUGH and finally get off the cycle.

I’d like to hear from you:

• Are you in an abusive relationship with a narcissist?
• Have you suffered narcissistic abuse?
• Do you know someone that is this type of relationship? If yes, share this blog post with them.

Thank you,

Mary Miranda from My Fit Healing

The post What is Narcissistic Abuse? | Hidden Abuse appeared first on My Fit Healing.

My Endometriosis Diagnosis Story | Endometriosis Awareness

Do you know how you can go so many years with mystery pain and no Doctor seems to give you a diagnosis? Well, this happened to me.  I want to share My Endometriosis Diagnosis Story and bring Endometriosis Awareness to the light.

Each month, I find myself glued to my heating pad for the first 1-2 days of my menstrual cycle.  Sometimes you find me in the bathroom throwing up or sweating from my low blood pressure.  But, often I am crawled into a little ball in my bed, hugging my heating pad and in so much pain.  I never knew pain like that before and it happens each month during my period.  I always had irregular periods and my cramps were never as severe as they became after I lost my right ovary in 2006.  I’d often tell myself, “I don’t get it, I don’t have my right ovary and how can my cramps be so unbearable, especially on my right side.”  The doctor said my severe cramps were due to scarring tissue from losing the right ovary, so I just thought Id deal with this pain until I’m done menstruating.  I’d always get very anxious and scared as my period got closer each month.  I’d monitor closely and plan my life around the days I’d get it.  I’d not be able to go to work or go out.  I never knew the impact it had on my quality of life each month.

Twice I went to immediate care out of pain, but it was useless. They leave you 2-3 hours dealing with your pain while they try to make sense of it.  In my 2nd time, that’s when they did my first ultrasound and found out about my Uterine Fibroid, but it was less than 2cm.  They only gave me ibuprofen for pain and I was sent my way.  Well, fast forward to 2017 when I found my Uterine Fibroid Tumor grew to 8.1cm in diameter and in addition, I also had an Endometrioma Cyst on my left ovary.  Did I mention it’s my only ovary left?  I had my Myomectomy surgery to remove tumor and cyst on February 9th and it was all a success (read the story here).

I had my post-surgery appointment on February 13th.  I thought Doctor was just going to remove the tape and tell me 6-weeks recovery and all was going to be fine.  I thought he was just going to tell me I am finally healed from all my issues with my reproductive organs.  Well, I was wrong.  I was very wrong!  “Mary, you have ENDOMETRIOSIS!”  I froze and was numb and forgot even ask the questions I needed, such as “when can I go back to the gym?” “am I fertile?” “How did this happen?”  I couldn’t think of anything else but the word Endometriosis.  I knew exactly what it was because a few friends had it.  I just never thought I had it for a few years without having a diagnosis.  It is one of those conditions that are hard to diagnose unless they operate on you. Often it can be misdiagnosed as something else.  However, he did mention they cleared all the scar tissue caused by endometriosis and that it had spread to my left ovary and fallopian tube, hence why I had an Endometrioma Cyst

It hasn’t been an easy journey lately with so many things in my head, but I’m super resilient and positive.

Now, I want to share with you the most common symptoms of Endometriosis to bring Endometriosis Awareness.

Endometriosis Diagnosis Symptoms:

1. Pain with pelvic examinations.
2. Irregular or heavy menstruation.
3. Severe menstrual pains.
4. Spotting or bleeding between periods.
5. Throwing up during menstruation.
6. Periods that last over 7 days.
7. Pelvic pain that may worsen during menstruation.
8. Painful sexual intercourse.
9. Cramping during intercourse.
10. Painful bowel movements or urination (when Endometriosis has spread to the urinary bladder).
11. Infertility.  Women who experience infertility could be suffering from Endometriosis, but it does not cause it.
12. Need a heating pad or something warm to help with cramp pain.
13. High estrogen levels can make symptoms and condition worst.
14. Diarrhea, constipation, and nausea.

Other symptoms associated with Endometriosis Diagnosis could be

1. Lower abdominal pain
2. Lower back pain
3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
4. Diarrhea and/or constipation
5. Bloated
6. Chest Pain or coughing (when Endometriosis has spread to lungs)
7. If Endometriosis has spread to any visceral organs, then those organs can start malfunctioning.
8. Bloody urine during menstruation
9. Ovarian Cysts (specially endometrioma cysts)
10. GI issues, such as IBS
11. Allergies/autoimmune diseases
12. Ovarian and breast cancer

What is the cause of Endometriosis?

The root cause of Endometriosis is not known.

How does it happen?

Hormones signal the lining of your Uterus to thicken, the lining is called Endometrium and it’s build up of Endometrial cells and tissue.  It’s meant to prepare the Uterus to receive a fertilized egg.  When fertilization does not happen, the uterus sheds the lining through the vagina, hence why we have our menstrual cycle (period) and we bleed.  Normally, Endometrial tissue grows inside the uterus cavity to prepare the lining of the womb (Uterus).   Endometriosis is the abnormal growth of the lining of the Endometrial tissue similar to that which lines the interior of the uterus but in a location outside of the uterus.  Basically what should happen inside the Uterus, happens outside of the Uterus!  The Endometrial tissue grows outside of the uterus and spreads to other organs and we bleed on the outside causing endometrial tissue to build up, grow and attach itself to the exterior of the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, visceral organs, lungs, bladder, etc.  Now, since there is no way for the blood and endometrial tissue to scape, it stagnates and becomes scar tissue, which can trigger pain, inflammation, and be a huge cause of infertility if adhesions (scar tissue) happen in the fallopian tubes and causes them to close.  Lastly, it can develop Endometrioma Cysts, otherwise known and “chocolate cysts” and this is what I dealt with and were surgically removed (read about it here).

What is the cure for Endometriosis?

There is no cure for endometriosis and to eliminate it completely.  There is a surgical procedure to remove the Endometriosis scar tissue, but it will most often come back.  In my case, it was removed from my left ovary, left the fallopian tube and the exterior of my uterus.

Here are some common cures for Endometriosis that Doctors usually suggest, yet I don’t feel strongly about any of them given it does not really cure it.

1. Induced menopause preserving your reproductive organs.
2. Hysterectomy
3. Pregnancy, yet it will come back after pregnancy.
4. Birth Control

Honestly, since I live a holistic lifestyle and it’s the reason why my symptoms aren’t as worst as other sufferers and mine are only the first 2 days of my menstrual cycle.

These are the holistic practices I’ve taken to start healing my Endometriosis Diagnosis.

1. Endometriosis diet, which is anti-inflammatory, alkaline and gut healing too.
2. I don’t take hormones and will not take Birth Control as it ruins your gut flora (gut bacteria) and digestive system.
3. Exercise and Eat Healthy
4. Drink a lot of Water.
5. Essential Oils
6. Heating Pad
7. Don’t use tampons or pads.  Use a menstrual cup (Diva Cup)
8. Avoid any product that can cause Estrogen levels to elevate.
9. Stress relief activities such as yoga, meditation, and journaling.
10. Natural supplements
11. Coffee enemas
12. Castor oil packs
13. Herbal teas

 

Marks are from the heating pad and bloating from Endometriosis Diagnosis.

Please seek Medical advice for any of the symptoms, this information is just for awareness and not intended to treat or diagnosed anyone with Endometriosis Diagnosis.

Do you know anyone that sufferers or think it could suffer from Endometriosis? Share this information with them to help with Endometriosis Diagnosis.

How do you heal or make you Endometriosis pain better?

Love,

Mary

Resource used: Endometriosis

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My Uterine Fibroid Tumor and Endometrioma Cyst Surgery and Story

I want to share my personal story and journey of having a Uterine Fibroid Tumor and Endometrioma Cyst.  As shocking as you might be if you read my last post on losing my right ovary, then you might be a little shocked.  It seems that my female reproductive system is acting up a lot in the past decade.  On December 16, I went to see my OBGYN, I was feeling anxious and nervous about getting my ultrasound results, yet I tried to look positive.  I also felt excited to finally find out a diagnosis or something that gave me light to my so many unanswered questions.  “Mary, you have an 8cm diameter tumor in your uterus and also a mass in your right ovary that appears to be an Endometrioma Cyst.”  My heart sank and I began a new anguishing journey to save my chances of becoming a mother.

I woke up one morning saying “wow I look pregnant, that’s so weird.”  I vividly remember that day feeling confused because I knew the only way my ‘belly’ looked like that was when I’d eat something that made me bloated.  I knew my eating habits were always good and following a Ketogenic diet removed my constant bloating caused by Leaky Gut Syndrome.  I let it go thinking it was just some random reaction in my digestive system, but it stayed in the back of my head.  Mornings are usually the times when we feel our “skinniest.”  It just didn’t make sense how I looked like 3-4 months pregnant.  Back in 2014, my OBGYN told me I had a fibroid, but it was 2cm in diameter and very small.  He suggested it was best to follow up with pap-smears, pelvic exams, and ultrasounds to monitor its growth.  Given I felt fine and didn’t have health insurance, I didn’t go back for my yearly check-ups and simply carried on with my life.

November 2017, I was finally able to get health care for OBGYN only and immediately scheduled an appointment.  The fear of another ovarian cyst or if the fibroid had grown more was always in the back of my head, but I tried not to focus or think negatively of it.  I practice the Law of Attraction so I tend not to focus on the negative to avoid attracting more negative feelings or situations into my life.  Yet, not experiencing any symptoms kept me unworried and feeling everything was okay.   As soon as Nurse Practitioner did my pelvic exam, I felt an overwhelming amount of painful pressure in my abdomen.  I knew something was not right.  She didn’t say a word and said I’d get results in a few days.   I didn’t get a diagnosis or the ultrasound prescription I wanted.  She said I needed to make the appointment with the OBGYN.  A few weeks passed and I finally got my appointment and ultrasound order.   A Uterine Fibroid or Ovarian Cysts are only visible and detected via ultrasounds.  A pelvic exam can be tricky to detect them.  I saw the ultrasound and my eyes widened seeing how big it had gotten.   I couldn’t believe it.  It was twice the size of my uterus and had grown 3-4 times since 2014.  Yet, the Ultrasound technician never mentioned a mass in my left ovary.  I left and waited to see the OBGYN two weeks later and he broke the news, “Mary, you have a Uterine Fibroid Tumor that’s 8cm in diameter and Endometrioma Cyst.”  I thought, “endo what?”  He didn’t really explain what it was, he just said I needed to find a way to have surgery soon.

I left the office crying and literally afraid to lose my chances of being a Mother.  So many things went through my mind, “what if I lose the ovary.” “what if the ovary is not pathologically functional,” “what if I lose my uterus,” “what if I have to get a hysterectomy.”  I was in anguish because I want to have a baby.  That’s all I could think about.

Having a Uterine Fibroid Tumor and Endometrioma Cyst is not the end of the world, but for me, it felt it was the end of my chances of being a Mother.  I’m huge in personal development and mindset and thank goodness that kept me sane and mentally strong.  I knew I had to find a way to have the surgery.  The healthcare I got, did not cover anything outside of that clinic.  I found a way to make things happen, I applied for financial assistance at the hospital and created a GoFundMe that helped me part of my portion the hospital approved.

My surgery was February 9th at 2 pm.  The doctor was able to remove the Uterine Fibroid and Endometrioma Cyst and save my chances of being able to have a baby.  The surgery was a success and I’m so very glad it was over.  I’m currently sitting here, narrating my story 1 week postsurgery.  I was released the next day and now I’m home recovering.

Now, I want to share a few overlapping symptoms that you can experience with an ovarian cyst and uterine fibroid. It is important for me to share these, in case you are reading this and find yourself experiencing any of them.

Uterine Fibroid Tumor and Endometrioma Cyst Overlapping Symptoms

Ovarian Cyst common symptoms (for more info check my previous post on Ovarian Cysts)

• Pelvic pain that is dull or sharp aching.
• Pelvic pain before or during the menstrual cycle.
• Painful periods PMS.
• Abdominal bloating or swelling.
• Nausea and vomiting.
• Painful bowel movements.
• Painful intercourse, very painful and major discomfort.
• Pain in the lower back or thighs.
• Breast tenderness.

Uterine Fibroid common symptoms

• All listed for Ovarian Cysts
• Heavy or prolonged menstrual periods.
• Abnormal bleeding between menstrual periods.
• Iron deficiency anemia due to heavy bleeding or excessive bleeding.
• Pelvic pain caused by the tumor pressing on pelvic organs.
• “Looking Pregnant” and not knowing why.
• Frequent urination because the fibroid presses against the urinary bladder.
• Urinary incontinence.
• Unable to lose weight or being stuck at your weight.
• In some cases increases chances of infertility.

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Between 20 to 50% of women of reproductive age have fibroids and higher after age 25.
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What is a Uterine Fibroid?

Fibroids are muscular tumors that grow in the wall of the uterus (womb).  Fibroids are almost always benign, which are not cancerous tumors.  According to my OBGYN, there is a 1% chance of cancer probabilities in the center of the fibroid.   There are a few types of fibroids depending on which layer of the uterine wall they are found.

1. Submucosal: fibroids grow into the uterine cavity (inside the uterus).
2. Intramural: fibroids grow within the wall of the uterus.
3. Subserosal: fibroids grow on the outside of the uterus.

Not every woman will experience symptoms.  Some, don’t have any and some have very severe symptoms.  My pain was unbearable the first-day menstrual periods and on pressing my abdomen mainly.  I also started having lower back pain around September and it’s when I knew something was not right, aside from the fact that I looked pregnant daily.

What causes a Uterine Fibroid?

Currently, there is no evidence pointing out clearly the exact causes.  It is assumed it can be hereditary or that each tumor develops from an aberrant muscle cell in the uterus, which multiplies rapidly because of the influence of estrogen.  This is why it is so important to become aware of this and avoid anything that can increase estrogen levels (soy, foods, stress, cortisol, plastic, etc).

What is the name of the surgery to remove Uterine Fibroids?

It is called a general Myomectomy, which is more invasive and causes a large incision in your lower abdomen.  When I lost my right ovary, I ended up with a 13 cm scar and my worry was being opened again in the same area, but thankfully doctor chose a Robotic Laparoscopic Myomectomy, which is less invasive and only 4 small incisions were made.

Given the fact I have 4 small incisions, you might wonder how on earth did they remove an 8cm diameter tumor and an ovarian cyst?  I know, I had the same question.  They use a technique called Morcellation, which is a surgical instrument used in hysterectomies and myomectomies.  I was asked to sign a consent form because it is FDA warned they may spread uterine cancer, in case the Uterine fibroid had any.  Basically, morcellation works by splicing up a large mass/tumor into smaller pieces inside the belly cavity to be able to extract through small incisions and avoid opening up the patient.

Now I want to explain what an Endometrioma Cyst is.

In my previous post, I talked about Corpus Luteum Cyst and other types, but I didn’ not mention this one because frankly, I was unaware of its existence.

Basically, it’s Endometriosis tissue that spread beyond the outside of the uterus.  I will do a separate post on Endometriosis. Endometriosis grows outside of the uterus and can spread to nearby organs. In my case, it spread to my Left Ovary and fallopian tube creating a cyst.  In other words, I had endometriosis in my left ovary and fallopian tube.   My symptoms were same as above on my list.

I hope you found this post full of knowledge and information to help you take care of your female reproductive health.  I hope you share it with someone that can be experiencing the same symptoms and let her know I feel her pain.

Thank you for reading my loves,

Love,

Mary Miranda from My Fit Healing

The post My Uterine Fibroid Tumor and Endometrioma Cyst Surgery and Story appeared first on My Fit Healing.

50 Abusive Relationship Red Flags | Are you in an Abusive Relationship?

50 Abusive Relationship Red Flags

Being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is so common nowadays.  Are you in one? or Are you are unaware if you are?  Well, I’m here to help you find out by giving you my top 50 Abusive Relationship Red Flags.  Now you can have this handy list and assess if you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship yourself and get informed.  My goal is to inform you and arm you with knowledge of Abusive Relationship Red Flags.

It is very common to only categorize domestic violence or abusive relationship as physical, but there is “hidden abuse” in the form of psychological and verbal abuse.  Psychological can often be referred to emotional abuse or mental abuse.  For the purposes of my blog, I will use both psychological.  Psychological abuse and verbal abuse often hurt more than physical abuse.  Words and insults can stab you and stay with you for years and cause PTSD and emotional trauma.  Often it strips your worth, value, identity, self-love, self-esteem and can deeply affect your emotional wellbeing.

Here are the common Abusive Relationship Red Flags (Unhealthy Relationships).

1. Love bombing! He showers you with extreme amounts of love, affection, and romanticism really fast in unhealthy and not normal amounts.  This is the honeymoon stage where you are bombarded with love and romance in an excessive amount that you have never been before.  He will tell you “I’ve never felt like this with anyone before.”  or “you are the one” (really fast), or “I never knew I can love like this.”  or “You are better than any girl I’ve dated.”  NOTE:  it is important to keep an eye the first months for additional red flags as this can also be part of a normal relationship and a good man conquering your heart. But, the love bombing will feel off and too superficial. You will even say “is this even true?”
2. Extremely charming, aka Prince Charming.
3. Calling you baby, cute names, or my love fairly fast. Sometimes even before meeting in person
4. He doesn’t take the time to get to know you!  He wants to rush your relationship really fast.
5. He says I LOVE YOU within days of meeting you.  He falls fairly fast in love.
6. Rush intimacy or make sexual comments very early, even on the first time chatting.
7. It seems like a fairytale and everything is rose colors.  It seems “too good to be true.”
8. Inconsistent Behavior. When his words don’t match his actions
9. He is Wishy-washy, hot-cold, and push-pull.  His behavior is inconsistent and leaves you feeling if he is interested or not and confused about his intentions with you.
10. He is a chronic liar and often his lies don’t make sense.  Things he says just don’t add up and you are often questioning if he is telling the truth.
11. He strings you along and you never know where you are standing in this person’s life.
12. His relationship with his Dad is bad or doesn’t even have one.  He is more of a Mom’s boy or Mommy’s boy.  Often this stems from a childhood where he is simply mirroring how his Dad treated his Mom and what he witnessed on abuse, addictions, cheating, sex or other abusive behaviors.  Try asking about his childhood and the relationship with Mom and Dad. Was there some type of abuse or trauma they can project onto you?
13. He has a fair amount of CRAZY exes.  Find out how he talks about exes – if they are all crazy, psychos, jealous, possessive, cheated or whatever, then he is the common denominator in that.  Often narcissistic abusers/narcs/emotional manipulators call exes “crazy.”
14. Find out if he cheated in the past. This can be a huge sign.
15. He takes no accountability for his acts.  He is the victim in his past relationships.  He tells you the story that you end up feeling sorry for him because he suffered so much. It was never his fault, he didn’t do anything.  He puts all blame on ex(s).  Which you end up resenting or hating thinking they were this horrible monsters that made him suffer and you will be the woman to show him real love and how he should be treated.  You will be “the one.” You will be his savior.
16. He disappears for days with no warning.  Then he comes back as if nothing happened, no explanation and acting cool.  He gives no accountability for his whereabouts and makes you feel you are crazy for asking or like it’s not a big deal.
17. He is not emotionally available.  He is not there for you emotionally when you need him.  You can’t connect with him on that level or ask him how he feels.  He is often stoic, blocked or doesn’t show emotions, such as holding hands, telling you how he feels.  This is also when you need comfort and emotional support he won’t do that because he doesn’t have empathy.  If you cry, he won’t’ console you and he will sometimes get mad at you crying and call you super sensitive.
18. Commitment issues.  He is “afraid” of commitment.
19. He insults you and calls you names.  He degrades you and puts you down.  He crushes your self-esteem and self-love daily.  He tells you to shut-up, you are not smart, you are ugly, points out you are “fat,” or diminishes something about your persona.  This is the worst type of psychological abuse because it literally tears you apart and makes you feel you are unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, not valuable and belittles the amazing woman you truly are.
20. Something feels off in your gut.  You know something is not right, yet you stay.
21. Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings.. .things always have to be done their way.  They must always be the center of attention.
22. He ignores you, gives you the silent treatment, doesn’t reply to texts or answer phone calls.  He can go days with no contact with you for no reason.  Yet he expects you to reply or answer his calls within seconds because all hell will break loose if you don’t.  This is often one we don’t think about but is a form of psychological abuse.
23. You are always in anxiety.  Your thoughts start raising and going crazy, chest pains and everything is triggered by something he did, said or you perhaps saw something in social media.  Now, this can be a little tricky because women tend to be very jealous, but the behavior here is if this person is showing signs of disrespect (flirting publically with other women, cheating behaviors, or something where he is not giving you your place.)  No “healthy” relationship will ever trigger anxiety and stress in this manner.
24. Each time you try to communicate everything ends up in a fight and a huge argument.  Then he puts all blame on you and tells you everything is your fault and all problems are because of you.  Often, we want to “communicate” about their questionable behavior of flirting or cheating and they end up blaming you for being super jealous, possessive, psycho and insecure.
25. You avoid confronting him or talking about something that you saw that bothered you or question him for something, even if you try to communicate in a nice way.  You end up feeling afraid because you know it will end up in a huge fight and he will put the blame on you.  Remember, he takes no accountability for what he does. You find yourself afraid to bring up findings to avoid making him upset or if you do bring it up he will either break up or say is all in your head.
26. He hides you in social media and publicly.  He won’t’ post about you or tag you on social media.  He won’t introduce you to his family and friends.  He will keep you in the down low “DL” and in “secret.”
27. He has an addiction of alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, gambling or some other form of addicting behavior.
28. Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.  He has even gone to jail.
29. He has a parasitic existence (it’s a known term in narcissistic abuse).  He doesn’t work or goes to school.  He lives at parents house or someone is supporting him, most likely his Mom.
30. Financial abuse is a huge one.  They often play a victim or fake an illness saying they need money to pay off a debt or medical bills or something in that instance.  They simply take advantage of you financially.  This also ties with them not working, so you end up “supporting” him financially.  I have read cases where the abuser fakes an illness and going to doctor and it was all fake.  He had other women and gambling addiction and that’s where he spent the money. Or it could be the person saying he has this huge debt to pay off and he has no way to do it.  So, he plays the victim so you can help him, but he has no intentions of paying you back.
31. Has a history of domestic violence or abusing others.  He is not nice to people and is always talking bad about others.
32. He bullies people or puts people down by calling them names, saying derogatory or discriminatory comments.  He has this grandiose personality and thinks he is better than others.
33. He has anger issues.  He is always angry or mad at someone.  Note, sometimes depression is manifested as anger.
34. He isolates you or makes you distance from family and friends.  He doesn’t want you hanging out with your closest loved ones.  This is huge tactic abusers use so you ‘only’ have them to rely on.
35. They control whom you see or where you go.  He will get mad at you so you don’t go to a place or hang out with someone by making you feel guilty for wanting to do that activity.  He will guilt-trip you a lot. You have to constantly tell him your whereabouts and you have to literally report to him throughout the day.  This makes you feel in jail and unable to breathe.  You feel trapped!
36. Often there is sexual abuse in a relationship where he will force intimacy when you don’t want to be intimate.  Yes, this is sexual abuse and rape if you are forced and don’t consent to it, even if you are in a relationship with them.  If you feel forced to have intimacy is a huge red flag.
37. He is overly jealous of other men in your life, specially male-friendships.  He often makes comments or accuses you of flirting or “coming onto” or flirting with others or accuse you of cheating with them. He can’t stand you having small talk with other men and often will prohibit you from having male friendships.  It happened to me, I was accused of flirting with the bartender just because I asked a question about how he made some martini because I wanted one.
38. He controls how you dress.  He doesn’t let you wear sexy and revealing clothing.  He tells you to want to wear because he is jealous other men will look at you or if you want to dress sexy and nice for him, he will accuse you of wanting to get attention from other men or call you vulgar names.
39. He controls how you act and behave.  It gets to the toxic level of him controlling everything in your being.  You can’t make decisions alone anymore because you are afraid he will get mad.
40. Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you when you want to leave.
41. He is very volatile.  Experience extreme mood swings.  One minute he is lovey-dovey the next he is insulting you and blaming the dumbest thing on you making you feel horrible.  You spend your days walking on eggshells.
42. “You are the same as my ex.”  He often compares you to exes and tells you are just the same as her/them.  Note: this was so not even the case at the beginning of the relationship.  He made you feel you are different, but in later stages of the abuse he ends up comparing you to them.
43. You are emotionally drained and tired.  You have no energy to do anything you used to enjoy.  You are tired all the time from all the fighting, anxiety, emotional pain and feeling stuck.  You feel hopeless and stuck in a black hole.
44. On/off relationship pattern.  Most of your relationship has been on/off, breakup/makeup.  You are constantly breaking up and getting back together.   The breakups are due to cheating, flirting or maybe lying or something along those lines.
45. You try everything to fix things.  You keep trying harder and harder to find a way to be a better girlfriend because if you are a better girlfriend everything will be fixed and things will get better.  You always tell yourself things will get better.  You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.  You think is all in your hands and all up to you to make things better.
46.  You are always sad, unhappy, depressed, miserable, and cry yourself to sleep.  You can’t believe this is your life and how you are hopeless.
47. You have frequent suicidal thoughts because the emotional pain is so unbearable that you question why you are even here.
48. You are afraid of him.  You are afraid of being alone with him.
49. Gaslighting, where you end up not losing touch with reality. You don’t’ know if things are real anymore or if it was just in your head.  He makes you think you are crazy and question yourself a lot.  Gaslighting is used by manipulators to make their victims question their sanity. For example, he said something to you clearly and then you question him and he will say “what are you talking about? I never said that.  Where did you get that from? You probably made it up.”  or if you saw something online of cheating, he will say “it’s all in your head, you didn’t’ see right or you made it up or you are confused.”  You feel crazy and you feel you don’t’ know what’s truth or a lie anymore.
50. Abuse keeps getting worst and worst, psychologically and verbally.  Often it gets to the point of physical abuse.  Physical abuse can also be pulling hair, yanking you, pushing you, moving you out of the way harshly, squeezing you, shocking you, shoving you or physically punching/kicking you.  Any type of psychological, verbal and physical abuse needs to be reported to authorities. Please consider calling 911 right, even if its days after it has happened.  Make sure you take pictures of your injuries and note anything you can.

My heart hurts after writing all these Abusive Relationship Red Flags.  I went through narcissistic abuse a few years back and it stripped me away from everything that I was.  I hope my 50 Abusive Relationship Red Flags helped you and trust me there are more than this.  I hope you can open your eyes and allow yourself to make the best decision for your life.  You deserve healthy and real love and never deserve for any of the Abusive Relationship Red Flags happen to you.

Share this with someone that might need it or to bring awareness.  It is crucial we inform teens of Abusive Relationship Red Flags to arm them with knowledge and lessen their chances of getting in unhealthy and abusive relationships.

Most of this Abusive Relationship Red Flags are from Narcissistic Abuse, which I will make an entire blog post on this topic.

Help spread this message of Abusive Relationship Red Flags

Have you ever experienced any of the Abusive Relationship Red Flags mentioned?

Do you know someone you love that is currently in an abusive relationship? Can you please share them with them?

How can you help me spread this message to bring awareness?

RESOURCES FOR VICTIMS AND SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.ndvh.org

National Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474
www.loveisrespect.org

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
www.nrcdv.org and www.vawnet.org

Futures Without Violence: The National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-888-792-2873
http://ift.tt/1erFNJw

National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health
1-312-726-7020 ext. 2011
http://ift.tt/2eauCdN

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
http://ift.tt/tGgEv3

Resources used for search

• Personal experience and knowledge through personal research
• Coaching clients
• Books Read
• Articles Read
• https://ncadv.org
• http://ift.tt/16edd01

Love,

Mary

The post 50 Abusive Relationship Red Flags | Are you in an Abusive Relationship? appeared first on My Fit Healing.